Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Afraid

Day 7, Tuesday: The thing you're most afraid of.

I'm going to briefly open up this Pandora's box and then quickly shut it again, because this is something that I rarely speak about and try to never, ever think about. I'm terrified that if I give my fears a voice, they will come true.

I am deathly afraid of losing my husband. Every time he goes to work, I try not to think about where he is and what he might be doing. But I'm afraid. Afraid that his car will careen out of control during a wet, stormy drive down Highway 18. Afraid that a building will collapse on him while he's fighting a fire. Afraid that a gun shot victim will mistake him for someone else and return fire. Afraid.


Last year, 83 firefighters died in the line of duty in the United States. That's a statistic I just don't think about. Because it makes me so afraid I can't even see or think straight.

When Stew leaves for work I kiss him goodbye and I always, always tell him I love him. And then I don't think about where he is, or what he might be doing. Because my imaginings are just too scary to consider. And I can't live without Stewart. I just can't.



20 comments :

  1. I have that same fear! Mine is a commercial fisherman so I totally understand being scared about them going to work!

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  2. My husband does dangerous work too he's a linemen. I never think about it.

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  3. My husband is a fire fighter as well!! Whenever he goes on a call I secretly pray for his safety! It takes a special kind to put theirblifevon the line to save another!!

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  4. Wow that's got to be super hard.

    Came by from
    http://talesofthereborncrafter.blogspot.com/

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  5. hey, thank you for stopping by today. what a cute couple. love his mustache. makes me smile. i thank your husband for all he does, what a job. i can only imagine. i have friend that does volunteer at his local fire station. i guess it is a passion we will never understand. a calling that they both love. & i'm thankful for that, for the ones that fight for us all. glad some one does. ( :

    take care & enjoy your week.

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  6. Just stopping by from the link up. I can understand this fear. My ex was a police officer. When my phone rang in the middle of the night my heart stopped often..

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  7. What a scary thing! I can't even imagine having a fear so real everyday but I guess that come with the territory of loving a daily hero. Thanks for sharing this! And thanks for visiting me today! :)

    Sending positive vibes you and your family's way!

    ~Brooke @ Who moved My Cheesecake?

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    1. Sometimes it's hard, but I am also so proud of him for what he does, so I try and focus on positive things like that. :-) Thank you so much for your sweet comment!

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  8. I would be scared every day too if I were you! I admire you for being able to just put it out of your mind while he's working! I admire your bravery! And his! :)

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  9. Wow. That is a very real and valid fear. It sounds like you do a great job dealing with it, and you and your husband are a beautiful couple! It took a lot of guts for you to share that.

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    1. Thank you so much, Melody! It's hard to face what you're really afraid of... like I said, I try not to think about these things too much!

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  10. I heard someone say once that you can't "what if" your life and I try to abide by that, most of the time. But every once in a while those little fears and "what ifs" creep in and it's just as you describe it. (In fact, I would describe the very hardest thing about motherhood as this very same thing - a sometimes all-consuming fear of loss).

    Thanks for sharing this honest post. Big hug coming to you from up north.

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  11. I can't imagine what it would be like. I just hope he will always return to you safe and sound!

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  12. Yay hope he's always safe!! and the other firefighters too! They're modern day heroes :)

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    1. They really are! Thank you so much for your sweet comment!

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  13. Thank you so much for your husband, and the amazing work that he does. My husband works for a government subcontractor. Over the years there have been occasional "rumblings" about him going to less safe countries in the world for a few weeks. It has not yet come to fruition, for which I am grateful. But every time it comes up, I think of people like you, and our military families. Their family members put their lives on the line everyday to save people in our country, or to preserve our way of life. I cannot be so selfish as to not "let" my husband do the same if it ever comes down to that.

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    1. Katrynka, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! I totally understand your feelings about not wanting to be selfish... but it's hard when you love someone so much and you want them to be safe! But what they do is so important and admirable. I am so proud of my husband.

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  14. I understand your fear all to well and I understand your reluctance to voice it. My husband is a Blackhawk pilot in the Army and I was a mess when he was deployed to Iraq, I couldn't watch the news at that time because I was so paranoid. I was so scared anytime that I heard about a crash happening. We are stationed in South Korea now and there was a crash just a few weeks back that happened to some of his buddies that he works with. You can bet that I was blowing up his phone when I heard! Also, give your husband a big 'ol hug and tell him thank you for doing such a selfless job!

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  15. don't think about this! i'm glad you kiss him goodbye and say i love you every day though! i should do this too, lol, you never know! Abraham just said today that dustin listens to music and eats hot cheetos and takis at work and then pets his cat and drinks dr. pepper! that's what he thinks he does all day LOL. But really, i'm proud of stew for serving the people and risking his life everyday!

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  16. He is a real life hero - helping others every single day. Something to be so proud of!! The Greenlake fire station is right across the street from us and it is SO comforting that they are so close by! I've baked treats for them before - we LOVE them!

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Talk to me, Goose!