Monday, March 16, 2015

When did it become so hard to get pregnant?

Guest Post by Cailin Bundrick

Women spend so much of their lives trying not to get pregnant, that you'd think it was as simple as one ravenous session in the sack to impregnate a woman. Afraid not. I myself have used birth control pills, condoms, a diaphragm and an IUD to prevent pregnancy.

Want to know all the things I've done to try and get pregnant in the past five months? I've tracked my cycle, peed on sticks DAILY to determine if I'm ovulating, consulted my doctor, considered drugs to force ovulation and, of course, had sex A LOT. We've done it with me on top, him on top, from behind... I'll spare you the gory details, but you name it, we've tried it. We've done it every other day (as doctor recommended), every day, when we're sick, when we're tired, when we're drunk, when we're bored, when we're horny, when we're fighting, whenever, wherever. And yet, once again, the test read 'not pregnant' this month.

Every time I see that one sad, lonely pink line, I want to scream. I want to cry, and usually do. I want to give up. I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can take.

Don't get me wrong. I know there are women who have struggled to get pregnant much longer than me. There are women who have put themselves through sheer torture, injecting themselves with fertilization drugs and enduring disappointment and let down for years to have children they can call their own.

I am fortunate to have a beautiful little girl already. She is my world, and I thank God for her everyday, even on the days that her 2-year-old attitude has pushed me to my limit. If I can't get pregnant again, at least I have known what it was like to give birth, to hold a brand new baby in my arms and on my breast, to rock her to sleep, to stay up all night listening to her scream, to give her sweet kisses and to receive slobbery ones back. I am a mom, the only job I ever REALLY wanted.

But it is because I've known these things that I am so desperate to have them again. I've wanted them for some time now. Before my husband was sure he wanted to do it all again. Which is why when he got on board, I was so eager to start trying. We've been at it for five months, but I've been wanting this for more like a year and five months.

I want my daughter to have a playmate before she is already in school. I want to have a baby before I reach that scary age of 35 when risks start increasing. I want another baby. I don't want to deal with the potential wait and heartbreak associated with adoption, especially after the disappointment of not being able to get pregnant on my own.

But adoption is an option. Originally, it was the plan. Have one, adopt one. Then I realized how expensive it was to adopt, and it seemed like if we could have children on our own, perhaps it made more financial sense to do that. I guess it's just the thought that I might not be able to make another baby that makes me feel like a failure. And the endless number of pregnant women around me doesn't help. I don't begrudge them their baby-baking experiences. I'm happy for them. But let's be honest, I'm jealous too.

Finding someone to talk to about this experience is almost as difficult as the experience itself. Everyone wants to offer advice and their two cents. They want to help. But instead, they just make it worse. What worked for you might not work for me. Every woman is different, just like every child is different. And the worst is when they can't relate at all because all they have to do is look at their significant other, and they get pregnant. Gag! My husband keeps reminding me of my own words: "Things will happen when they are meant to." I told him I wish I'd never uttered the words to him.

So if you are struggling to get pregnant, just know you're not alone. I promise not to offer advice about things you've likely already tried, or words of encouragement because if you are anything like me, they will fall on deaf ears. But you're not alone. Sometimes, that's all the comfort you need.

About the Author
Cailin Bundrick is a stay at home mom to 2-year-old daughter Charlie. She lives in Maple Valley, Wash., with her husband, daughter and two dogs, Tinker and Brian. She has a journalism degree from Western Washington University, and worked as a reporter and editor for community newspapers in Kentucky, Florida and Illinois. She also worked in sales and property management before becoming a domestic goddess. She enjoys reading, writing, traveling and selling jewelry as an Independent Designer for Origami Owl. This is the first of what she hopes to be many guest blog posts for Life as Always.

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