Sometimes it's like I float up out of my body, look down, and I can actually see/hear myself being annoying.
1. I can't stop talking about poop.
I find myself telling uncomfortable co-workers about Ryder's diaper blowouts. I discuss his bowel movements — shape, size, consistency. I tell my friends about how he pooped in the tub. I'm blindly oblivious to the fact that other people (a) don't care, and (b) think I'm grossly oversharing.
2. I can't stop the baby talk.
Before I had Ryder, I vowed to always speak to him like an adult, believing that this would be best for his own mental and verbal development. Instead, I find myself constantly using cutesy nonsense words in a singsong voice. And, unfortunately, this sometimes carries over into my adult and professional conversations.
3. I can't stop complaining about being tired.
I literally don't remember what life was like before suffering from chronic sleep deprivation. Ryder has been a crappy sleeper since birth, and even now, at 19 months old, he only sleeps through the night about half the time. And I'll tell anyone who will listen about how horrible it's been. Also, sometimes I fall asleep mid-sentence like a narcoleptic.
4. I can't stop shopping online.
Leaving the house and running errands with a toddler is, essentially, torture. But purchasing Ryder clothes and toys is endlessly entertaining for me. So far too often, I find myself spoiling him with gifts from various websites, and packages containing gross displays of consumerism arrive on our doorstep constantly. Stew has not been pleased with the credit card balance.
5. I can't stop finding baby stuff in my purse.
After my maternity leave, I ditched my big, bulky, fancy diaper bag and began using a large purse instead. Whenever I'm going someplace with Ryder, I just toss his stuff in with my own. Then later, as I scramble for my wallet or phone, I'm constantly pulling out pacifiers, diapers, goldfish crackers, boogie wipes, and other toddler necessities.
6. I can't stop reading mom blogs.
I became addicted to several "mom blogs" when I was pregnant, and I still have quite a few that I follow with dedication. Scary Mommy is my favorite, and I never miss a post. I particularly like the comment section, although it tends to encourage judgement and mom-shaming. (But I secretly kind of like the drama.)
7. I can't stop eating baby food.
I hardly bother to eat real meals anymore, especially when Stew is on shift. Once we started Ryder on solids, it became much easier to just nibble off his plate. Chicken nuggets, strawberries, bits of avocado, bites of mac and cheese... why bother making myself lunch when I can just toss a few crackers and bits of cheese in my mouth and call it good?
8. I can't stop telling my birth story.
Whenever someone begins talking about pregnancy or childbirth, I always take the opportunity to interject with my own birth story. I can literally hear myself being self-centered, but it's like I'm physically incapable of not taking the chance to explain why my labor and delivery experience was the worst ever. It's like word vomit.
9. I can't stop Googling health info.
Whenever I notice something even slightly out of the ordinary concerning Ryder's health or well-being (a cough, a sniffle, an odd spot, a weird diaper, a strange rash, whatever...) I head straight to Google. This inevitably causes me to irrationally panic and call our doctor. Who usually tells me to stay the heck off Google.
10. I can't stop Instagramming.
A trusted friend once told me that taking over Facebook with photos of your baby is a huge faux pas, but Instagram is an acceptable platform for this narcissistic type of behavior. So whenever Ryder does something adorable (which, clearly, is quite often), you're sure to see it on IG within a matter of minutes. (That is, of course, if you haven't already un-followed me.)
So there you have it. A brief summary of my total lack of shame and control when it comes to being a new mom. I hardly recognize myself anymore.
Somebody check me in.