Turning up the heat in Palm Springs

My dear friend Carolina got married this past weekend, which meant a quick (and I mean quick) jaunt down to Palm Springs for me and Stew.

 

I don't think I've ever actually flown somewhere for just 24 hours before, and it was definitely a whirlwind. But it was just enough (almost too much!) time for our first overnight away from our precious baby boy. My parents came up for the weekend to stay with Ryder, and even though I knew he was in extremely capable hands I was so anxious about leaving him. And I missed my little angel terribly!

 

Although we did still manage to have a blast.

 

It was 104 degrees in Palm Springs on the day of the wedding. Stew and I spent the afternoon lounging at the pool with friends, because it was really too hot to do anything other than stand in the water while downing blended margaritas. Happy vacation to me...

 

The one photo I managed to take with my nice camera, which I then neglected to bring to the wedding. #fail

The wedding ceremony and reception took place at the super glamorous Viceroy Hotel & Resort in downtown Palm Springs. It's a small, boutique hotel with a ton of charm, very "old Hollywood," and it was such a perfect location for Carolina and Eren's wedding.

 

Chilled champagne during the ceremony made the heat just a little more bearable.

 

Cocktail hour by the pool... open bar and a big night out for us!

 

The one photo I managed to get with the absolutely gorgeous bride! I'm so happy we have remained good friends after all these years... (PS see that guy in the background at the top right? That's Joel McHale, host of The Soup!)

Leaving Ryder for the weekend, even though it was just overnight, was definitely difficult. But it was amazing for me and Stew to get some uninterrupted, adult time together. And frankly I was really looking forward to drinking to excess and sleeping through the night for once. However, I came down with a horrible sore throat the day before we left, which meant I wasn't really up for excessive partying during the reception, although we did stay out late (for us) and had a fantastic time.

 

What I did forget about was PUMPING.

 

Ah, yes. How I initially failed to realize that I would need to pump all weekend is beyond me, since I pump all day at work when I'm away from Ryder and then get up all night to nurse him. But even though I had to wake up in the middle of the night to suction my ta-tas, sleeping in until almost nine the next morning was still a luxury!

 

This trip definitely taught me the ins and outs of Traveling While Pumping. I now know what it's like to lug a breast pump disguised as an ugly mini backpack around as my carry on, how to pump standing up in an airport bathroom stall, and what it's like to wake up at four a.m. wondering if my boobs are actually going to explode. It literally hurt my soul every time I had to dump all the milk I pumped down the drain (that stuff is liquid gold!) but unfortunately I had no way to transport it home safely, and it was probably contaminated by all those adult beverages, anyway.

 

We were so happy to be there to celebrate with Carolina and Eren, but equally excited to get home to our Mini Me. Although I'm still not certain he actually missed us...

 

 

Dear Ryder... Five Months

Dear Ryder,

This month has brought a bit more routine back into your life, mainly due to my maternity leave ending. Returning to work full time has been a change for all of us, but overall it's gone pretty much as well as we could have hoped for.

I eased into things and only went in for two days my first week back, then right off the bat we had a busy weekend planned, starting with a pickleball tournament for Daddy!

With you as his good luck charm, he smashed the competition in the doubles tournament and took home the gold medal, and he would have dominated in the singles round as well, except Mommy forced him to head home so we could get ready for family photos that afternoon. 

My first full week back at work was pretty overwhelming, at least for me and Daddy. After spending virtually every moment with you for the entire summer, separation anxiety attacked me full force, and I definitely had to talk myself down off the ledge a few times at work. 

I am used to how demanding it can be to stay home all day with an infant, but for Daddy it was a bit of a crash course those first few days. When he left for work on Wednesday, it was time for your first full day next door with Julia. She and her mother-in-law watch you on the days when Daddy is on shift, and it's obvious that they are taking great care of you, which gives me a huge amount of relief as a working Momma. 

We had a few visitors this month... Tony and Nikki came over for dinner one evening, and Dave and Annette came all the way down from Bellingham to meet you. 

You still love your Jumperoo (at least for about 15 minute intervals) and you're getting big enough now that your feet almost touch the floor. 

You celebrated with Aunt E at her engagement party in Seattle toward the end of September.

Tummy time still isn't your favorite, but you'll tolerate it for brief periods of time, especially when we get down on the ground with you.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to actually get in photos with you! Too often Mommy ends up behind the camera, instead...

You still love your feet, and grab for them almost every chance you get.

Bath time has become quite fun for you. You love splashing, and you manage to make such a mess these days that we've had to move your baby bath tub into the big tub so you can slash to your heart's delight without soaking the entire bathroom.

I love to snuggle you when you're all warm and cuddly, just out of the tub.

One of your favorite games with Daddy is when he holds you high up in the air. You squeal with delight every single time, and it's one of my favorite things to watch.

Nana came up to watch you for the day while Mommy and Daddy attended a Seahawks game this month. It's good for the two of us to get out once in a while on our own, but we sure did miss you!

You love playing on this bright colored quilt that my boss, Cindy, made for you.

Nana and Papa stayed with you for an entire weekend at the beginning of October so that Mommy and Daddy could attend a wedding in Palm Springs. You were such a good boy for your first night away from us! Even though you woke up many times throughout the night, Nana and Papa handled you just fine, and you always love spending time with them.

Papa knows how much you love it outside, so he made sure you got plenty of time soaking up the late summer sunshine in the backyard while we were gone.

We are so lucky that Nana and Papa are thrilled to come stay with you any time, like when we need to attend a wedding or cheer on the Seahawks. 

You are generally such a happy boy, but we basically spent the entire month battling your sleep schedule. For weeks after I went back to work you continued to refuse to nap, and even the doctor seemed surprised when we told her. Finally, you have started to take regular naps for about an hour in the morning (sometimes two hours) and short, 20 to 30 minute naps in the afternoon.

When I get home from work at six o'clock you are fussy and tired, so we almost immediately start getting you ready for bed. I nurse you and rock you to sleep, and you go down in your crib for usually about two hours before you wake up for the first time. Then it's nurse, rock, back to sleep, every hour or two for the rest of the night. We have no idea why you continue to wake up so frequently. I like to tell myself it's because you miss me while I'm at work all day, and I won't deny that I enjoy our special, secret, midnight cuddles, but we're all getting to be extremely sleep deprived. I've been doing lots of research and reading on sleep, and hopefully we'll have this figured out by next month.

You're very alert and active, kicking your feet, waving your arms, grabbing at anything within reach. You still drool constantly and chew on everything you can get your hands on, but we haven't seen any sign of teeth just yet. You roll from your back to your tummy, but usually get stuck there and become frustrated until we rescue you and turn you back over. We are practicing sitting up, but you still can't manage it very well unsupported for more than a few seconds at a time.

I have missed you so much this month since I've been back at work, but I'm so happy that you have gotten so much quality time to bond with Daddy.

We both love you so much, sweet boy!

This is my life. I talk about poop. Feel free to unfriend me.

This morning I stood by the coffee maker, talking about my son's bowel movements with a co-worker. Mainly I was trying to give validity to my complete exhaustion by explaining Ryder's new habit of having a major diaper blowout at around four o'clock each morning. It took me a while to realize that poop is not suitable water cooler conversation. Alas, this is my life now, so sometimes it's all I have to talk about.
 

 

When I pick Ryder up from the sitter, we discuss how many dirty diapers he had that day like it's the most normal, interesting topic in the world. "Good job!" I exclaim to my son, like his bodily functions are the most exciting things I've heard about all day. (And they are).

 

The other day Stewart and I found ourselves in Ryder's nursery, bent over his dresser, staring intently into a diaper full of poop. Our faces were inches from the foulness as we contemplated the color, texture, consistency. (There was a tiny bit of blood in his diaper, and we were wondering if we should call the doctor).

 

Is this my new normal?

I spent the first five years of our relationship pretending that I didn't poop. Now this is what our marriage has been reduced to. Conversations about poop.

 

Seriously though, have you ever heard an infant produce a fart so loud it sounds like it came from a grown man? Stewart and I could sit around and laugh all day at Ryder and the noises he produces. (But that's it. I said fart on my blog. This has really gone too far).

 

I think I need a poop intervention.

 

Sometimes I Cry

Having a baby is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Well, not exactly.

Actually having him was pretty traumatic, but in hindsight it wasn't too terrible, and honestly the nitty gritty details of it have already begun to fade from my memory. But it's time to admit that adjusting to the life change of having a tiny human at home has been a bit difficult.

I am the ultimate planner and control freak, so growing, birthing, and raising a human being is by far the most out-of-control thing I've ever done. I did everything I possibly could to prepare for Ryder's arrival -- took classes, read books, consulted trusted friends and experts, and did an entire nesting overhaul on my house in advance of his birth. I told myself that I was prepared for anything, and was completely confident in my ability to care for my newborn son.

I was not prepared.

I was not prepared at all.

Many people warned me, but now I know that you can't understand how difficult being a new parent can be until you experience it for yourself. I spent so much time preparing for labor and delivery that I forgot to mentally prepare myself for life afterwards.

The addition of Ryder to our family has brought more joy, wonder and delight than I ever thought possible. It has also brought changes -- some anticipated and others completely unexpected. Even though I considered myself to be pretty well-informed, I was still taken aback at the huge impact this tiny human has had on our lives. Stew and I have learned to cope with feeding and sleeping schedules, unexplained crying, diapering, bathing, swaddling, burping, bottles, rocking, soothing, lullaby-singing. But each newly acquired skill has come with perplexing questions and overwhelming emotions, and the experience has had a profound effect on our relationship.

You think you know... but you have no idea.

I knew things would be hard, and that my life would change, but I never imagined I would feel this way... like the rug was pulled out from under me, and I've been scrambling to find my footing ever since. The intense, unending, constant-ness of being a mother sometimes overwhelms me to the point where all I want to do is climb into my bed, put the pillow over my head, and sob. But I can't, because my baby boy is screaming in the other room, dinner is burning on the stove, the laundry needs to be put in the dryer, my phone is ringing, and I haven't washed my hair in six days. And I'm the Mamma, so it's my job to pull it together and do it all with a smile on my face.

My relationship with my husband is suffering, partly because we take out our anger and frustration on each other, but mostly because I'm just so damn tired. I know that billions of parents before us have experienced the same difficulties, but sometimes I just feel so alone. I wish someone could teach me the secret to daily happiness, but the reality is that a lot of days are going to be hard. So as we've struggled through the early days, weeks and months, we've learned to modify our expectations. And through it all, the one thing that gets us through is Ryder's perfect face... his giggle, his grin.

And I know it won't be like this forever.

Someday I will look back and curse myself for not cherishing these early moments more. But right now I'm tired. I'm just so tired.

And I don't even know myself anymore.

I talk about poopy diapers, spit up, and breast milk. I research sleep schedules, introducing solid foods, and rectal thermometers. And every once in a while I step out of myself and look back and wonder what happened to me. I feel like somehow, without my knowing it, my identity was stolen. I can hardly comprehend that I'm supposed to be the Mamma... a real grownup, the one who has all the answers, the person who can make it all better. Is this who I am now? Is this who I want to be?

Some days it's hard.

I recently read a post on Scary Mommy that summed it up far better than I ever could:

"Sometimes I cry because in the process of gaining you, I gave up a version of me, and though I wouldn't change that even if I could, sometimes I miss me desperately."

But then I stare at the face of my perfect angel baby, and I know there's no place else I'd rather be.


 

Ryder's Four Month Photo Shoot

I wanted to have some family photos taken before Ryder got much older, but didn't really want to pay an arm and a leg for them. That's when I realized...

 

It pays to have talented friends.

 

Our good friend Matt offered to come over one afternoon to do a little photo shoot, and I'm so happy with how it turned out!

 

Therefore, I shall share the results with you here.

 

Enjoy!

 

 

  

 

 

Rematch

Oh, how I love football season.
It's really the only reason I look forward to the end of summer.

 

I had to miss this season's home opener because it was my first day back at work and I didn't want to miss Ryder's bedtime, so yesterdays Superbowl rematch was especially exciting for me.

 

And once again, my world champion Seahawks pulled out a W against the Broncos. Sorry, Peyton.

 

Last year, I was pregnant for the entire NFL season. I puked my way through tailgates while feigning hangovers, stretched my jersey over my swelling belly and marched my way into the stadium for every home game, and waddled my way through downtown for the Seahawks Superbowl Victory Parade. And Ryder was with me all the way, my little baby 12th Man.

 

So needless to say, I was pretty excited to return this year as a fully active member of the Hawkwagon Tailgater Association. Even though I'm still breastfeeding, which meant I was only allowed three light beers and had to spend part of the tailgate pumping in the back of our car. My mom was nice enough to come up for the day to watch Ryder while Stew and I went to the game.

 

And it felt so good to be back...

 

I'll admit I wasn't really prepared for such a nail-biter. Sometime during the third quarter I literally thought that Stew's head was going to spin off his shoulders, but the boys came through for us and luckily we don't have to start the week hanging our heads in shame like the Bronco fans. Tee hee. 

 

 

 



 

 

We had such an awesome day, but I missed my little Baby Seahawk! He had a wonderful day at home watching the game with Nana, but I hate that I spent so much time away from him. It's good for Stew and I to get a break together every once in a while, though.

 

We do think that we might try to take him to at least one game this season, though. He endured so much when I was still pregnant with him, after all. All that jumping and yelling... Poor guy will probably feel right at home once he's back at the stadium, cheering on the Hawks. We just need to get him some ear muffs so the 12th Man won't damage his hearing.

 

 

Go Hawks!